you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
