Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
