I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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