At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
