His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
