and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
