So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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