Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
