There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
