conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
