Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
