So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
