Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So much rum. So many feels.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
