Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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