I want to have your abortion
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
