This is not my ceiling
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
