I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
