I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is my gift to your gina
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
