Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
His hands were made for my vagina.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
