You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
