whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
