im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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