I think im going to throw up on grandma
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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