Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
