i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
