Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
