I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
