I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We need to rekindle our bromance
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I think i got beer on your cat.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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