you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
