and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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