dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
