Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
