I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
