Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
