Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
