My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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