i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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