if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
