just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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