Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
