we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
