Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
