I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
