Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
