Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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