Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
