oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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