Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
