My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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