sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
